''So, I really don't see the point in this film stuff anymore. I actually just cried for the first time out of frustration, as in, I didn't feel the emotions I've ever felt while crying, but tears still suddenly poured out of me in public. I just can not take this fucking shit any goddamn more. I just can not. Things have gotten so ridiculously bad.
Before you say that I'm just complaining, take a minute to scroll my page. 95% of the time I am simply promoting my work, keeping my spirits up. Like I've been doing for 30 goddamn years ever since I started pursuing this ridiculous dream. So, either you are only attracted to me complaining, or Facebook only shows you when I am. And I don't even call it complaining, I call it calling out all the fucking bullshit in this industry and this world. But call it what you want. I just do not see the point in any of this, anymore.
Everything I do gets deleted these days it seems. Everything I've done this week has just been deleted. I can't post in a film facebook group about my films without it being blocked by facebook. I can't comment on a film I fucking made in a facebook group. Seriously??? I can't post casting notices on IMDB or funding notices on IMDB without it disappearing hours later. They say it's because I can't try to raise finds on there, but that's half of what I see on there. And why can't I post casting notices then??? I can't post castings in casting websites because they don't like the descriptions of the films. I can't get my films onto Amazon or other sites because they have nudity or violence (when mainstream Hollywood TV is filled with this shit). I can't even edit my films to have non of this stuff, cause they still end up deleted by these companies. Now Amazon is fucking indies even harder in the ass by making them generate 1/2 a million fucking hours of views in order to keep their payments. If they don't they loose over half of what they currently make. Thanks Amazon, you crooks.
I can't even keep 13 year old youtube accounts (13 years of uploading) with PSAs on them about helping people because some fucking how they're not appropriate. Look at what's on youtube!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cops killing people, beheadings, anal waxing, etc, all with billions of views, but I can't have my own censored movie trailers up there, nor videos about how to help people?????????!?!?!?!!!!! And yet I get ripped off by people on youtube itself nearly ever day for over a fucking decade!!!
I can't have private screeners on Vimeo without them deleting my entire accounts because they don't like the content, but they have Gasper Fucking Noe films on there, with cum shots at the camera uncensored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Back when I first started, I actually had a little money coming in. Not much, say 10k, which of course all went back into promoting. But at least it was 10k I had that I didn't have to spend myself, all coming from DVD sales, just DVD sales.
But then ya'll killed the video store (thanks a fucking lot), and it all became digital, and since then I haven't been paid one fucking penny. Not one fucking goddamn penny has come from digital. And on top of that, I can't even work my own fucking ass off for no pay without facebook, youtube, vimeo, and all these other cunts deleting my shit left and right. Seriously...
what is the goddamn mother fucking point?????????????? Let's just delete all art and censor everything. I'm really totally lost and stuck right now. Why bother getting up? Why bother working on anything? Why fucking bother typing this? It's just going to be deleted with the click of a fucking button like it never even existed. And that has officially driven me completely mad.
I have nothing left. I actually started laughing, between crying, because I'm that far gone. Thanks to all you digital overly sensitive fucks who have completely killed art.
The hypocrisy of the media also puts vomit to my eyes. I've spent 15 years or whatever trying to get indiewire just to mention one of my indie films, nothing. It didn't matter when I made the lowest budget film ever to receive major distribution. No response. It didn't matter when I broke my own record, twice! No response. It didn't matter when I got MTV and LA times and Variety to review my films, no response. It didn't matter when I made the first film in history to include more than 100 directors (and an indie film), no response. It didn't matter when I made a transgender based film with a real transgender actor, also one of the youngest (or maybe the actual youngest), to co produce and co write and co direct, no response. But I did get coverage in all of the major news stations all over the world, once, just once, when it was nothing but fucking lies about me, all designed to make the world hate me for 48 hours (which unfortunately for me, it worked). Nothing but thousands upon thousands of death threats and hater comments, hundreds of people telling me to go kill myself and much much much worse, and the worst shit I've ever been called in my life (and I thought I went through severe bullism in school, fuck). But I can't get one goddamn mention from these people, not mother fucking one, for 30 years of hard work I put in. It's all such horse shit. Fuck 'em all.
Thanks for all the support (aside from the big gulp of people who unfriended me just after posting this). All honestly though, I've tried most of this advice 1k times or more. Like Rocky going after Apollo, only I got nearly a decade on Rocky's age andI've fought Apollos of this world about 5k times. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I'm broken. Even if I won I wouldn't enjoy it I've taken so many beatings. I'm numb. A vegetable. I never cared about being on top. Shit, if I made 25k a year doing what I do I'd be fucking thrilled (25k a year is goddamn horseshit, but I'd be totally cool with that). Working my ass off 24/7, always having to be on call, and not only not getting paid for it the past 30 years, having to put what money I've never even had into all this is just bullshit. Now with the internet, it's so much worse. It's like you're always always always working, but I never get shit. If I try to take just two days off from this non paying job I fall behind and/or some people hit me up 20 fucking times to get my to respond. It's exhausting as fuck. And there's no hope left. It's not just that this industry is hard, people and companies have killed it, running it into the ground. I grew up in a distribution company for 20 years watching them adapt until they practically crumbled. They had hundreds of employees, transitioned from Laserdisc to DVD and Bluray. Then once the internet hit, they fired nearly every fucking body. My dad lost his job from them after 20 years at that place. Many people from there haven't worked a regular job in the years since. Netflix and Amazon have killed the chance of indie filmmakers (real indie filmmakers) making money. There was a day when indie films had chances (like the 90's). Now, an indie film is a film that has huge stars. You can't be Edward Burns, Darren Aronofsky, Christopher Nolan, Kevin Smith, etc today, and make a film that has nobody you ever heard of in all the roles, behind the camera, the production, etc, and with nearly no budget. Now an indie film is something starring Jennifer Lawrence who "decided" to make an indie film. There's no chance left for us. And you can't get people to help, like John Waters' days. If you're making something, especially if edgy, you can't get everybody to work for free...just for the excitement of making a movie. Surely not actors. You spend 5 years on a project, and an unknown upcoming actors won't spend 5 days without pay. I'm not talking about SAG actors, veteran actors (before everyone gets pissy at me again). I'm talking about unknowns, a group of people all willing to put in their time and creativity to make an indie film. Just doesn't happen anymore. Which is hilarious because then the people who have a budget, who actually have the fucking money, fire people like my dad and those who put in their time and dues for decades, and/or won't pay them shit for all of their experience. Everything's ass-backwards, those with experience and a great resume can't get shit, and those just beginning want it all without having done shit.
And on top of that, places like Amazon who ran indie film into the ground, are now cutting out 60% of the fucking pay they're giving (which is already shit), to indie films!!! Come the fuck on. And they censor the shit out of us. It's not that they censor everything, they're only targeting indies, the hypocrisy should get all these people gunned down to burn in fucking hell, it's sickening. I understand part of it is business, but if we ain't getting paid fucking shit, why should we sell out to them to make what they want?? It's not selling out if they're cutting our already shit royalties by another 60 fucking percent. So, we have to sell out, and not get paid, and not make the films or art we want. Yeah, sounds fucking great. It's not even art or cinema anymore, and it's not business either since we don't have any money coming in. It's simply...nothing.
This whole internet censorship thing is fucking pathetic and ridiculous. This is what makes me want to just say fuck it all. I know making it in film is hard, getting your film to stand out is near impossible (but it once was possible - I did it, I made the fucking films that did it after 22 years of trying, but that kind of chance dried up just a couple years later with the death of video stores). Sp, if you can't even put your goddamn fucking film out how do you ever have a chance??? It used to be, you had a chance. If you spend years on a film/pushing it then you might finally get distribution, then with that you get into stores and immediately into viewers eyes (automatic massive promotion), and from there it's all a matter of do they buy it (and if so you get money) and do they like it (and if so you can feel extra good and maybe use that to get people to have faith in getting you money to make another film, or at very least already have distribution in route for your next film). But now with video stores gone, it doesn't matter if you spend years trying to get distribution, the indie distributors can't even get you into stores, because hardly any fucking stores even exist anymore. And they can no longer get you on Netflix (the place that once prided itself on having films like ours and helped run video stores into the ground), because now that Netflix is big, they basically said "fuck you" to real indies. And you can't get onto what was supposed to be the savor of indie films and self distribution, Amazon, because they turned into the biggest pile of art censoring scum bags on the face of the internet. My first film, which got into thousands of video stores, got a whole whopping third of the film cut out of it to get it onto Amazon Prime (a fucking third of the goddamn movie, which still didn't even matter, they still booted it). That wasn't even my film anymore after the severe editing, but that didn't even matter. My 4th film got booted (that was the real beginning), from companies that actually prided itself in carrying adult films, because the credit card companies didn't want films like mine (art films which had about 5 min of nudity, wow oh wow, yet adult film/anal penetration was fine, but an arthouse film with a few minutes of nudity, "ohhhh shit, that's gotta go"). Now indie distributors tell you, and this coming from horror and exploitation distributors, that they don't want any nudity (meanwhile Hollywood turns TV into softcore porn with shows like Shameless, Game of Thrones, ect). And now even violence in indie film can get us booted. What's next, the word "fuck" or even "damn" (are we going in reverse or what)? Pretty soon, speech, literally, will be banned. And even if you comply they boot you. I had zero nudity on my youtube channels. And I got 20 years worth of channels deleted without any warning whatsoever. T-W-E-N-T-Y goddamn fucking years of uploading gone with the click of their fuckhead ass button. I obeyed their shit rules, and still didn't matter. My films got hacked to shit for Amazon (to the point I wouldn't even want anyone watching them now anyway) and they still get booted. I set my Vimeo screeners to private for critics only, and even Vimeo (which allows fucking solo explicit porn) deletes my entire channel without warning.
And now on facebook, I can't even promote my fucking films in appropriate film groups, without getting booted. I can't even pay to have a promotion on my own goddamn mutha fucking horse shit cunt page, because somebody had some 5 dollar red liquid on their face in one of the 10 pictures (ohhh, so fucking violent). So, that is my argument. Yes, making a film and getting it out there is damn near impossible. But fuck you Amazon, fuck you youtube, fuck you facebook. If we can't even upload, promote, sell our fucking films that we spent our shit whole life on, then what is the goddamn muther fucking point in any of this horseshit??? The only way is to go back to doing what I did 20 years ago, before I ever got distribution, was make a shitload of VHS tapes, keep them in a backpack, and go sell them to drunk people coming out of bars. That's what it's come to, that's what the internet gave us. Fucking bullshit. We need physical media back. Even if our film somehow gets distribution, is pussy ass enough to be PG rated, and gets on these streaming sites, the digital pay is about 1/1000th of the pay as a single DVD was (all of the money I made was from the first 7-8 months of films I made, zero has been made on a single film in the 9 years since once video stores went out). So, instead of having to sell 10k DVDs to get around 5-10k from royalties, you would need about a fucking million downloads/full viewings (which is impossible pretty much) from legit streaming sites, just to get that tiny shit bit of money. Money you probably already long spent of your own just trying to get the fucking thing made. This is why filmmaking is bullshit. At least with acting, all you have to do is show up and act. With writing, just write the fucking thing. With singing, just sing the damn song, play the fucking guitar. I wish I would have just done that, that's all I ever wanted the first 15 years I was pursuing this, was acting and writing. The idea of directing repulsed me. I should have stuck with that. Because as an indie director, you end up having to also usually shoot it (which means lean how to use camera, lights, etc etc etc), edit it (which means effects, color correcting, fonts, design, etc etc etc), score it, design the promotions, make the promotions, cast it, produce it, when actors don't show (as they often don't) then you have to cast off the street, or act yourself (on top of all the other shit you're already breaking balls to do), then the script goes out the door, so you have to constantly write it on the spot, finance it, etc, etc. All to get deleted by these cunt websites in the end. And on top of that you have this Youtube generation inspiration of wannabe self made star actors who want to tell you how to make your fucking movie that you spent years on doing everything on and they spent a couple fucking days on. Or they think you're making money (ha ha ha) and try to sue you. At least with physical media, the haters have to go through the effort to burn your shit, which is against the law if they didn't buy it, so they have to buy it first, and then when they buy it the distributor makes more, so you just made money, and probably got free promotion. Now it's horseshit, they just hit click, on you're gone without anyone knowing you were ever even there.''
And now on facebook, I can't even promote my fucking films in appropriate film groups, without getting booted. I can't even pay to have a promotion on my own goddamn mutha fucking horse shit cunt page, because somebody had some 5 dollar red liquid on their face in one of the 10 pictures (ohhh, so fucking violent). So, that is my argument. Yes, making a film and getting it out there is damn near impossible. But fuck you Amazon, fuck you youtube, fuck you facebook. If we can't even upload, promote, sell our fucking films that we spent our shit whole life on, then what is the goddamn muther fucking point in any of this horseshit??? The only way is to go back to doing what I did 20 years ago, before I ever got distribution, was make a shitload of VHS tapes, keep them in a backpack, and go sell them to drunk people coming out of bars. That's what it's come to, that's what the internet gave us. Fucking bullshit. We need physical media back. Even if our film somehow gets distribution, is pussy ass enough to be PG rated, and gets on these streaming sites, the digital pay is about 1/1000th of the pay as a single DVD was (all of the money I made was from the first 7-8 months of films I made, zero has been made on a single film in the 9 years since once video stores went out). So, instead of having to sell 10k DVDs to get around 5-10k from royalties, you would need about a fucking million downloads/full viewings (which is impossible pretty much) from legit streaming sites, just to get that tiny shit bit of money. Money you probably already long spent of your own just trying to get the fucking thing made. This is why filmmaking is bullshit. At least with acting, all you have to do is show up and act. With writing, just write the fucking thing. With singing, just sing the damn song, play the fucking guitar. I wish I would have just done that, that's all I ever wanted the first 15 years I was pursuing this, was acting and writing. The idea of directing repulsed me. I should have stuck with that. Because as an indie director, you end up having to also usually shoot it (which means lean how to use camera, lights, etc etc etc), edit it (which means effects, color correcting, fonts, design, etc etc etc), score it, design the promotions, make the promotions, cast it, produce it, when actors don't show (as they often don't) then you have to cast off the street, or act yourself (on top of all the other shit you're already breaking balls to do), then the script goes out the door, so you have to constantly write it on the spot, finance it, etc, etc. All to get deleted by these cunt websites in the end. And on top of that you have this Youtube generation inspiration of wannabe self made star actors who want to tell you how to make your fucking movie that you spent years on doing everything on and they spent a couple fucking days on. Or they think you're making money (ha ha ha) and try to sue you. At least with physical media, the haters have to go through the effort to burn your shit, which is against the law if they didn't buy it, so they have to buy it first, and then when they buy it the distributor makes more, so you just made money, and probably got free promotion. Now it's horseshit, they just hit click, on you're gone without anyone knowing you were ever even there.''
